{"id":793,"date":"2012-07-19T11:17:54","date_gmt":"2012-07-19T09:17:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/investigate-islam.com\/web\/web\/?p=793"},"modified":"2012-07-19T11:17:54","modified_gmt":"2012-07-19T09:17:54","slug":"stephanie-ex-catholic-south-africa","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/investigate-islam.com\/web\/?p=793","title":{"rendered":"Stephanie, Ex-Catholic, South Africa"},"content":{"rendered":"

My name is Sadiqah Ismat (otherwise known as Stephanie by my family and other Christian loved ones) and I live in Cape Town, South Africa.\u00a0 My journey home has been an extremely complex one, with many layers being revealed one by one, and I wanted to write in detail about my trials after reversion so others may be helped thereby \u2013 so be warned: my story is rather long! By the sheer grace and mercy of Almighty God, I have come home!\u00a0 It has been an exciting and very<\/em> surprising journey \u2013 if you were to tell me three years ago that I would leave Christianity and become a Muslim, I would have freaked out and thought you were absolutely crazy, as I was a very<\/em> happy Catholic Christian back in 2008.<\/p>\n

My Background<\/h2>\n

I come from a suburban, middle-class South African family of Dutch\/Afrikaans origin, who are wonderful, loving Protestant Christians.\u00a0 I was born in 1984, and grew up rather alone as I was over a decade younger than my sister and two brothers.\u00a0 My mother was (and still is) a very active and devout member of the Pentecostal church, but my dad, although a good Christian man, didn\u2019t attend church.\u00a0 He was a very open-minded person, and I was much more comfortable speaking to him about religion than my mom.<\/p>\n

I was raised on rather fundamentalist Christian teachings, which meant I was taught from an early age that if you didn\u2019t believe in Jesus Christ (may God praise him) and accept him as your Saviour, you would go to hell.\u00a0 Other religions, even Catholicism, were taboo.\u00a0 Their souls were believed lost, their God was seen as another God besides the Christian God.\u00a0 Not surprisingly, I grew up with a great fear of God and of Hell.\u00a0 I said my prayers every day, so that I would be safe from the evil one.\u00a0 Subjects like the devil and deliverance from demonic spirits, were discussed in the house by my mom and her friends, whether on the phone or in the lounge\/kitchen.\u00a0 She was in the healing ministry, and very well-versed in the Bible; the spiritual matriarch of the family who inspired fear and respect in me.\u00a0 I was a very timid and anxious child, and believed what she said was God\u2019s law, so I followed it \u2013 or else.<\/p>\n

When I was 12, I accepted Jesus Christ, may God praise him, \u201cin my heart as my Lord and Saviour\u201d as all Protestant Christians do, but don\u2019t remember much about what happened after.\u00a0 At the same time, I had a Catholic friend I loved dearly.\u00a0 Many a time I visited her house, and saw the pictures, statues, Rosaries, and crucifixes, and I was fascinated.\u00a0 I learned about the Christian practice of fasting (Lent) as well.\u00a0 I loved tradition and order, and wondered why my own family did not teach me about Lent and the Saints.\u00a0 Then she invited me to her church.\u00a0 It was beautiful inside, quite different to the plain, modern churches I had been to, and I was amazed.\u00a0 My heart was touched deeply, and it was the start of a long fascination and love for Catholicism.\u00a0 (It took ten years to muster the courage to explore it, as I was afraid I would go to Hell if I converted.) \u00a0It was about this time that my friend gave me a Catholic devotional object.\u00a0 When I brought it home, I was told by my mom that I must give it back.\u00a0 I feared God would be upset if I kept it, so I obeyed.\u00a0 I worried continuously about whether I was saved or not.\u00a0 From then until I was 21, I went to church very rarely.\u00a0 The churches my mom went to had very emotional worship services where people fell down when prayed over, and I was freaked out.\u00a0 So I stopped going, occupying myself at home with hobbies like astronomy and painting, and loved going to my friend\u2019s house.\u00a0 After High School we went our separate ways.\u00a0 I moved away to another suburb. \u00a0At this time I was ill with severe depression and anxiety, which lasted for about three years, and which I needed psychiatric treatment for.\u00a0 I was confused and lacked a sense of purpose and direction in my life.\u00a0 This was the darkest part of my life in which my mother was heroic in her support.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

My Search Begins<\/h2>\n

My mother had believed from when I was in her womb, that God had a special plan for me.\u00a0 I was raised to believe I was destined for high and extraordinary things, and yet I had a very low self-esteem and wanted to be normal.\u00a0 It was very painful for me knowing I was \u201cdifferent\u201d.\u00a0 In high school I was a loner and some of my peers thought I was weird, which didn\u2019t make things easier.\u00a0 I lived in my own fantasy world.<\/p>\n

In 2005 when I was 21, I began to search for a church to go to, and after exploring Methodists, I went to an Anglican church where I got baptized and confirmed.\u00a0 It was also at this time that I had a strong urge to become a nun, as I loved the other-world, counter-cultural dedication they had, and also soon after saw this as a confirmation of my mother\u2019s hopes for me.\u00a0 I committed myself to Jesus as a celibate. It was about this time, in 2006, that I began to be interested in wearing a veil like nuns do.\u00a0 I started with a small rectangular scarf which I wore all day, and as the time went on, I wore bigger scarves.<\/p>\n

In Cape Town, there is a good Muslim history, beginning with Malay slaves brought here in the 17th century, so we had a fair amount of local Muslims (mostly Malay\/coloured), even though Muslims only make up about 2% of South Africa\u2019s population compared to 80% Christian.\u00a0 I was drawn to the hijab<\/em>, which covers the neck as well as the head, but my mom said I would \u201clook like a Muslim\u201d and this put me off, even though it began in me a deep fascination and respect for Muslim women.\u00a0 (It was funny, but, despite her remarks, she \u2013 and all my family \u2013 accepted me veiled and were not ashamed to go out with me.\u00a0 I think it was hard for her, but she allowed me freedom after I turned 21.) I was also drawn to dressing modestly in long skirts, which I began to sew myself (at first with my mom\u2019s help).\u00a0 This was because I could find anything long enough in the shops \u2013 I am 5\u203211\u2033 tall! \u00a0My desire to be a nun led me on a journey to discover the dignity of my womanhood, the blessings of modesty and love for the veil.\u00a0 It also sowed the seeds of my interest in dressmaking and fashion design.<\/p>\n

Life as a Catholic<\/h2>\n

In 2007, I began to attend the local Catholic Church and began a year-long initiation into Roman Catholicism.\u00a0 The day I became Catholic, March 23rd<\/sup> – 2008, was one of the happiest days of my life, and I still look back on it with fondness.<\/p>\n

I was never to know that it wasn\u2019t yet the end of the road\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

As a new Catholic, I was enamoured with the Church and felt I was home at last.\u00a0 The following year (2009) I got involved in the ministry of sacristan (those who set the altar for Mass and get things ready for each celebration), which I loved dearly with all my heart; I had done it as an Anglican, too.\u00a0 But I soon started to be dissatisfied with the way things were done in the Church, which I had once believed was so strict and traditional.\u00a0 I was particularly upset at the modern and casual attitude to worship, and felt an oddity in my Church as I was the only woman who covered her head.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t accept the modern explanation that it was not necessary anymore; it didn\u2019t make sense.\u00a0 I believed that the Bible verses of 1 Corinthians 11:3-16 were valid for all times and cultures.<\/p>\n

Because there was a decline in modesty and head covering for women after radical Feminism came in the 60\u2019s, I blamed all of it on Feminism which I hated.\u00a0 I believed that it stripped women of their modesty and dignity, so I defended the Church position as written in Scripture and Church tradition, about women being subordinate to their husbands and that they should remain silent in Church.\u00a0 I was as faithful to these teachings as I could be, I refused to accept roles traditionally designated for men.\u00a0 In doing so, I got into arguments with my feminist lady friends and felt terrible, because I seemed like a woman-hater.\u00a0 I was constantly at odds with the Church letting women take leadership roles, and anything that reeked of Feminism set me off writing unpopular letters to the local Catholic paper! \u00a0If these teachings about women were in the Bible, why were they not being followed? \u00a0In the end, I realized it was because some of them were not reasonable.\u00a0 I also defended modesty (which was reasonable), but kept on feeling isolated, surrounded by women in Church, who were dressed in an indecent fashion.\u00a0 I was confused about why nothing was being taught by the Church about modesty.\u00a0 The Catholic Catechism was so clear, and at the same time, so vague; it spoke of modesty generally, but gave no guidelines at all, leaving it up to us to decide.\u00a0 I was an unhappy and bitter woman, defending a lost cause.\u00a0 It was ironic, but the Catholic name I took was \u201cDolores\u201d which meant \u201csorrow\u201d!<\/p>\n

Every time I saw a Muslim woman in hijab<\/em>, I envied her and wished I could be one, too.\u00a0 I felt a kinship with them that I never felt with Catholic women, and longed to be in their company.\u00a0 I smiled at every woman in hijab<\/em> when passing them by.\u00a0 Not surprisingly I was also mistaken for a Muslim myself, but it was better than being mistaken for a nun! \u00a0I would be embarrassed when strangers greeted me \u201cHello Sister\u201d even in the supermarket, and my priest scolded me for dressing like someone I was not.\u00a0 So I wore my veils Muslim style, adding a crucifix so they wouldn\u2019t mistake me for a Muslim close up.\u00a0 When I did this people did not confuse me for a Muslim, but I was still aware I looked like a Muslim.\u00a0 This didn\u2019t bother me, as I had such a love for them, and defended them when they were criticized, but I sometimes felt like a two-faced fraud.\u00a0 Who am I? \u00a0A Catholic? \u00a0Or a Muslim?<\/em> \u00a0I read novels set in the Middle East and about Muslim characters, watched all the TV programs and films I could find, even Al-Jazeera news, just to see veiled women and prostrating people, and my interest was piqued further.<\/p>\n

Around the same time to converting to Catholicism, I had tested my call to be a nun five times at four convents: The first four attempts were September 2006 at an Anglican convent, November-December 2008 at a Carmelite Catholic convent, January 2009 at another Catholic convent, the Poor Clares, and again at the same Carmelite convent from October 2009-January 2010 \u2013 all without success.<\/p>\n

I still remember an incident in the Carmelite convent.\u00a0 I was staying in the guest quarters; it was about Nov\/Dec 2009, and I was forbidden to wear my veil in the convent, which made me very sad.\u00a0 The convent was located in a suburb with a Mosque, and I heard the beautiful and haunting call to prayer on many an occasion, especially when I stood in the bathroom with an open window.\u00a0 When I heard it, I stood in front of the mirror, and took my square scarf I used for a curtain for the window, and put it on my head, fantasizing that I was a Muslim! \u00a0I wondered what it would be like.<\/p>\n

Another venture as a Catholic, was as an aspiring thinker and writer.\u00a0 After I developed a rich prayer life from 2007, I had some spiritual experiences and wrote about subjects like the Eucharist, the Trinity and the Incarnation (as well as womanhood, modesty and the veil aforementioned).\u00a0 I was deeply devoted to these Christian mysteries and although the Trinity was difficult to understand at first, I felt that it made sense in some spiritual way incomprehensible to the mind.\u00a0 (I saw there being two types of logic \u2013 the logic of reason and the logic of faith.\u00a0 The former was our human intellect, and the latter was a higher intellect which dwelt in our spirits, and which only made sense when we had blind faith in some doctrine.\u00a0 The problem was, that \u201cblind faith\u201d could easily be distorted into personal opinions\u2026) \u00a0The doctrine that calls Mary, may God praise her, the Mother of God also seemed strange, but also made some logical sense \u2013 if Jesus, may God praise him, was seen as God.\u00a0 Out of these doctrines, I developed this notion of God as being the \u201cstate of supreme Being\/Happiness.\u201d \u00a0Catholics taught that Mary is an example for the Church, so we all share in her Motherhood of God.\u00a0 This would mean that we can, in a mystical sense, \u201cgive birth\u201d to God in the world!\u00a0 With this understanding I had of God, I felt afraid, because I felt like I was limiting God dangerously to mere concepts.\u00a0 This could lead to thinking that we humans had some sort of power over Him.<\/p>\n

I accepted Christian doctrines unquestioningly (until recently when I felt compelled to question them due to my unhappy situation).\u00a0 Because of my writings, I felt I was blessed with much knowledge, so I would be held more accountable on the Last Day for leaving this faith behind.\u00a0 This made me believe I could never turn back on Christianity.\u00a0 I wouldn\u2019t have dared! \u00a0What! \u00a0Leave this faith behind and lose my soul to Hell? \u00a0Abandon Jesus as God? \u00a0No, I was truly convinced I would remain Catholic, my faith was unquestioned and strong! \u00a0And my mom, I didn\u2019t even want to think of what she would say! I trembled at the very thought of leaving Jesus behind.\u00a0 Yet I couldn\u2019t deny my increasing interest in Islam, as much as I tried my best to push it away.<\/p>\n

In August 2010, I discovered another Catholic convent, Dominican enclosed contemplative nuns, quite far from home, which met and even exceeded my expectations.\u00a0 Their spirituality fitted mine \u2013 they focused on Truth and Purity, the two values I most highly esteem.\u00a0 After a two month visit, I remained on and entered officially on the 7th<\/sup> November 2010 (at all the other convents I was just a visitor).\u00a0 I truly thought I found my home at last, but still something dissatisfied me, particularly that I was cut off from the world around me and still didn\u2019t feel free<\/em>.\u00a0 After another two months I left and returned home without regret.\u00a0 By this time, my five-year desire to be a nun was over for good.\u00a0 It was January 2011.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

THE INNER STRUGGLE<\/h2>\n

To illustrate my internal struggles, here follows excerpts I recently collected from various emails to friends over the last two years.<\/p>\n

2 July 2009 :<\/strong> Actually I love Muslims, because of their strict views and sometimes I watch a Muslim program on TV just to get a glimpse of their beauty.\u00a0 Their practice of modesty is called \u201chijab\u201d.\u00a0 They have a lot to remind us Christians of!<\/em><\/p>\n

1 Feb 2010:<\/strong> To be honest, I am going through a crisis in my faith, my identity and my vocation.\u00a0 So my crisis, is that I am Muslim on the outside and Catholic on the inside<\/strong>! I cannot bear to forsake Jesus, but I cannot help liking the Muslim way of life! I like both, and that seems to put me on the margin between Christianity and Islam.<\/em><\/p>\n

16 Feb 2010:<\/strong><\/em> <\/em>I have had an increasing attraction over the last year to the Middle-Eastern\/Muslim culture.\u00a0 I can personally say that if I would have to choose my religion according to my present feelings, I would convert to Islam!<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

2 Mar 2010:<\/strong> \u2026I have become somewhat angry and disillusioned at the worldliness seeping in the Church and obscuring its light.\u00a0 \u2026 Sometimes I look at Muslims and dearly wish I could be one, as I\u00a0have been\u00a0fascinated with Islam for the last year or two<\/strong>, but then I know I cannot, because I am attached to Jesus so much.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

I watch two Muslim programs every week, just out of interest.\u00a0 On the one program there was a man who became Muslim.\u00a0 He said what he liked about the religion was its simplicity, and that he loved how Muslims are faithful to showing their faith in the way they live and dress; you can practically see a Muslim by the way they look.\u00a0 These are the very reasons why I am fascinated with it as well. I spoke to a middle-aged Muslim lady at the local material shop I go to for my sewing needs.\u00a0 The shop is run by Muslims, and I spoke to that lady before, because she asked why I also wear the veil.\u00a0 I said to her that although I am not a Muslim, I am a \u201cfriend of Muslims\u201d.\u00a0 The young man behind the counter once said to me last year that I look nice in my scarf.\u00a0 I was overjoyed at the compliment.\u00a0 Here were people who understood me! <\/strong>It made me so happy!<\/em><\/p>\n

It was quite funny, but once, quite a while back when I was shopping\u2026with my mother, I was dressed in my veil like a Muslim, and my mom said to me offhand: \u201cYou should have been born a Muslim!\u201d\u00a0 I said to her with a smile: \u201cI know!\u201d\u00a0 <\/em><\/strong>I certainly didn\u2019t want to convert, <\/em>but as I find my interest in Islam growing, I worry that I will lose my Christian faith anyway, despite all this \u2026 My beliefs concerning women (and even some on marriage) are the same as the Islamic ones and I sometimes feel like I fit in better with them than I do amongst Catholics.\u00a0 I don\u2019t feel that belonging so much as I do amongst Muslim women.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/em><\/em><\/p>\n

3 Mar 2010:<\/strong><\/em> <\/em>\u00a0She said I must try and find the cause of my love for veiling and I was frustrated when she brought that up. I felt vexed when she said that the \u201cCatholic head covering\u201d is not enough for me so I naturally adopt the \u201cextreme form of Muslim veil.\u201d\u00a0 What is a \u201cCatholic head covering\u201d\u00a0 anyway?\u00a0 I can use a mantilla for Mass, yes, but I can\u2019t go out in public with it, so that is why I don\u2019t use it! Do I have to be Muslim to like veiling?\u00a0 <\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

5 Jun 2010:<\/strong><\/em> <\/em>I must\u00a0confess some other things, I have a strong interest in Islam, I see too many options in Christianity. <\/strong>Islam seems so timeless and changeless, and Christianity seems to have changed so much that it has become unrecognizable.<\/em><\/p>\n

18 Jan 2011<\/strong>: I have told you before that I have had a fascination for Islam, which grew up until I put a stop to it as I was afraid it would take me down the wrong path.\u00a0 Soon after that, I went to the convent.\u00a0 When I returned, the interest returned, and indeed, it is drawing me so much that I decided to investigate Islam further.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

This religion draws me a lot, because I find myself behaving more like a Muslim than a Christian; it is as if my personal views on many things (especially on modesty and the veil) are reflected in Islam. This situation I am in now is actually following the very same pattern as my interest in Catholicism <\/strong>– I was too afraid to tell mom at first; I was too afraid to explore Catholicism for fear of damnation; I was secretive in studying it and\u00a0at first; and practised it before I decided on any possibility of conversion.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

As a Christian, I feel increasingly lonely, because I am alone in some of my convictions, whereas as a Muslim I would be one of many who believe and would find solidarity and support.\u00a0 Islam has actually drawn me by the very thing that Catholicism first drew me – <\/em>Oneness<\/em> which it displays more visibly in practice.\u00a0 This interest in Islam worries me as I am afraid (as I was before I decided to become Catholic) that if I changed my faith I would be doomed for Hell.\u00a0 <\/em><\/strong>I cannot see how God would condemn other religions to Hell just because they don’t follow Christ directly.\u00a0 However as a Christian I am told that if I abandon Jesus I would be lost. I cannot\u00a0accept conversion now, but the way I am going with\u00a0my interest in it, it seems to be becoming more feasible.\u00a0 This scares me, and yet what can I do?\u00a0 Must I deny that Islam attracts me a lot?<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

11 February 2011: I am going through the faith crisis again…\u00a0 It returned even more than before.\u00a0 <\/em><\/strong>I am feeling disillusioned with Christianity again.\u00a0 My heart is going back and forth, being pulled to and fro. I am terrified of going to Hell, and at the same time I am sick and tired of hearing I would go to Hell if I choose to change my faith.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

13 February 2011:<\/strong> [in reply to my friends who were rather concerned about me by now] It is hard enough trying to fit in with Christians when I fit in more with Muslims.\u00a0 And it is not only because of the way I dress or believe about modesty.\u00a0 It also touches on how much I love the way they worship using bows and prostrations, taking their shoes off, all in unison, men and women separate, and how their lifestyle is so simple and down to earth, their amazing pilgrimage unlike any other. Even the way they bury their dead is the way I want to be buried. I have even found a Muslim name I like! – Saadiqah (meaning lover of truth, modesty).\u00a0 <\/em><\/strong>\u201cWhat is going on with me?\u00a0 How do I dare to go in this direction?<\/strong><\/em>\u201d\u00a0 I ask myself.<\/p>\n

When I go to Mass I feel like a peculiarity and I crave to be around Muslims. I can\u2019t feel a connection with many other Christians, particularly women, and it hurts.<\/em><\/p>\n

What would be better?<\/em><\/p>\n

To martyr myself by continuing in this lonely way being a peculiarity and not fitting in, for the sake of being a light, teaching modesty \u2013 and yet feeling bitter and exclusivist and lonely?<\/em><\/p>\n

Or <\/em><\/p>\n

To find a niche, where who I am will find a sense of belonging in a community, not helping others as much (although I still will be sewing), but being happy and peaceful inside?<\/em><\/p>\n

What would be more important than avoiding the path of sin in my own soul?\u00a0 I cannot bless other souls if I am not happy in my own soul first.<\/em><\/p>\n

I can assure you that I am praying to God. I am sure He wants both for me to be myself and also for me to feel a belonging with others.\u00a0 I cannot think of God as angry with me just because I search and explore. I am just speculating; nothing is definite, but I feel torn two ways.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

13 February 2011:<\/strong> I have been raised so long with this fundamentalist Christian mentality that is afraid of other religions; that if I explored them I would upset God.\u00a0 And I am so terrified of what my mom would think. Even though she remarked a few years back in the shopping mall: \u201cYou should have been born a Muslim,\u201d\u00a0 she said the other day when I told her of my interest in Eastern prayer: \u201cJust as long as you don\u2019t become Mohammedan!\u201d\u00a0 I thought: \u201cOh, God, Mom, guess what… I like Islam!\u201d\u00a0 <\/strong>I ended up saying something like this to her – that my choice of religion is my issue, not hers.<\/em><\/p>\n

When I think back on why I loved the cloistered life of a nun, and what I loved in Catholicism, I see in Islam all these things, especially the oneness, that\u2019s why it draws me.\u00a0 It is the religion that is probably closest to my own outlook of life.\u00a0 <\/strong>I have to explore it, otherwise it will keep on coming back more intensely.\u00a0 I feel that if I explore it, it may lose fascination for me and I can return to Christianity.\u00a0 Part of me wants to convert, part of me is TERRIFIED.\u00a0 \u201cWhat if I go to Hell?\u201d\u00a0 is my worst concern.\u00a0 And yet, I felt that same fear in coming to Catholicism<\/strong>. This evening I burst into tears as I am so torn up about the whole thing.\u00a0 I have been researching about Islam a lot recently and reading stories of conversions and I even tuned my radio to the Muslim station. I said to God how part of me hates Islam for interesting me, and sure, it is a love-hate relationship.\u00a0 <\/strong>I have to learn to live with my interest.\u00a0 But as I said I am afraid of offending God \u2013 and what does Jesus think?\u00a0 I feel like a hypocrite at Mass, but I still go.<\/em><\/p>\n

14 February 2011:<\/strong> I am often too afraid to tell Christian loved ones of my interest in Islam for fear that they will say I am going down the wrong path away from the truth and will harm my soul. I find Islam to be a very stark, simple, strong and austere [religion], unlike Catholicism which is more complex and even somewhat sentimental at times. <\/em><\/p>\n

Many things \u2013 their set prayers where they prostrate, their simplicity, their separation of men and women in worship, praying barefoot, their WONDERFUL emphasis on modesty and the veil, their view of women (I have considered myself a bitter anti-Feminist, but when I see Feminism through Islamic glasses, I actually make peace with it, because women don\u2019t compromise their modesty and femininity).\u00a0 I also love their Ramadan fasting, the pilgrimage they do, the cleanliness of ritual washing, their abstinence from alcohol, their dislike for dating \u2013 preferring chaperoned and chaste meetings between men and women, arranged marriages, and so on.\u00a0 <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

When I look back on my life, I seemed to be Muslim the way I kept myself.\u00a0 <\/em><\/strong>I hardly ever dated \u2013 I met my two boyfriends at my house or theirs, or went out with them along with another friend or my parents, etc.\u00a0 From 17 I dressed modestly and loved covering my head, I was never partial to alcohol, I liked the challenge of fasting and set prayers (hence my past love for the cloistered life).\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

It is not that I wanted to reject Christianity, but I found something which I feel I could identify more with, belong in<\/em><\/strong>.<\/em><\/p>\n

Coming to Islam<\/h2>\n

By then I couldn\u2019t resist it anymore and did loads of research, reading lots of conversion stories of women, and I began to believe it was possible to let go and let God lead me.\u00a0 As my heart was already long won over, all I had to do was convince my mind\u2026 So I read internet articles and the English translation of the Quran, I began to pray in the Muslim way, doing Isha at first, using a little mat to pray on, and doing wudhu (ritual ablution) the prescribed way.\u00a0 It was hard to win my mind over, but I prayed to Almighty God, Most gracious and Merciful, that He guided me.\u00a0 I asked Him for a breakthrough and the next day I read some articles<\/p>\n

Nothing seemed to hit me smack bang in the head, until I read an article on www.defending-islam.com called \u201cThe Miracle of the Quran\u201d by Khalid Baig.\u00a0 He said the following:<\/p>\n

\u201cProminent scholar Dr.\u00a0 Hamidullah tells of an effort in Germany by the Christian scholars to gather all the Greek manuscripts of Bible as the original Bible in Aramaic is extinct.\u00a0 They gathered all manuscripts in the world and after examining them reported: \u201cSome two hundred thousand contradictory narrations have been found…\u00a0 of these one-eighth are of an important nature<\/strong>.\u201d\u00a0 When the report was published, some people established an Institute for Quranic Research in Munich with the goal of examining Quran the same way.\u00a0 By 1933, 43000 photocopies of Quranic manuscripts had been collected.\u00a0 While some minor mistakes of calligraphy were found, not a single discrepancy in the text had been discovered!<\/strong>\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Wow, wow, WOW!!!\u2026 It really IS a miracle!\u00a0 How could it be otherwise possible???\u00a0 I was so impressed that there was only one version of the Quran.\u00a0 As a Protestant Christian I had searched for the most genuine Bible and took the King James Version as it was \u201cauthorised\u201d.\u00a0 Then when I became Catholic I realised it wasn\u2019t the most original.\u00a0 I bought a New Revised Standard Version Bible, but looked to the Douay-Rheims version as the most authentic, as it was based on St. Jerome\u2019s Vulgate \u2013 the closest I could get to the early Bible.\u00a0 Unfortunately it was too expensive to buy.\u00a0 I loved the Jerusalem Bible as well, which was used in the Liturgy, but then there were two versions of that, too!\u00a0 It was so confusing!\u00a0 But with the Quran, besides there being various language translations, there is only one version \u2013 the original Arabic \u2013 and not only that, but every Muslim has access to learning to read Arabic, and can benefit from the true version.\u00a0 A far cry from the Christian history when the Bible was read only by some people, mostly priests, who could have easily taught the people their own opinions instead.<\/p>\n

It was then that I decided to submit myself to God.\u00a0 \u00a0How happy I was!\u00a0 Not only that, but Islam\u2019s views on women put an end to my struggles in the Catholic Church.\u00a0 I could reconcile the good things in Feminism with modesty and the veil.\u00a0 At last, I found a niche!\u00a0 My bitterness dissolved like dew in the sun.<\/p>\n

This had happened shortly after another event \u2013 after all the years struggling to discern a vocation to a convent, I decided it was about time I got a proper job so I could eventually move out of my parents\u2019 home and become independent \u2013 and with the way things were moving, it was now essential!\u00a0 I mentioned in a letter above (March, 2nd<\/sup>, \u00a02010) that I regularly went to a fabric shop for my sewing needs, as I knew the owners well by this time, (and because they were Muslim!) I decided to ask for a part-time job there.\u00a0 The next week I popped in to buy some dress trimming as an excuse to ask about the job and share my interest in Islam.\u00a0 When I purchased the trimmings, I got into a conversation about Islam with a wonderful lady working there, who gave me her sister\u2019s contact number.\u00a0 Her sister knew someone who worked in a Madrassah (Muslim School) and who would be willing to teach me.\u00a0 To my joy, I got the job, (however I was retrenched soon afterwards). \u00a0Then the lady did something which touched me deeply \u2013 she said to the man that they mustn\u2019t greet me with \u201chello\u201d\u00a0 anymore, but \u201cSalaam Aleikum!\u201d (peace be upon you) I then replied: \u201cWa Aleikum Assalaam! (and peace be upon you too)!\u201d.<\/p>\n

I went home, weeping with joy.\u00a0 I phoned the sister of the lady I spoke to (nervously, when I felt my mom was out of earshot!) and arranged with her, and she said she would get back to me in the following week.\u00a0 That was a Friday, and the very next day, I felt confident enough to take the shahada<\/em> if I had the chance.\u00a0 As I knew I couldn\u2019t turn back, I prayed that I would have the strength in the time to come\u2026<\/p>\n

It was so difficult, because when I went to church that Sunday, I felt quite guilty and got so scared that I was doing wrong \u2013 and with almost everyone I know being Christian and having misunderstandings over Islam, I don\u2019t have much support at all.\u00a0 Apart from them thinking wrongly that the Muslim God is a different than the God of Christianity, someone in my family also thought (shock, horror!) that Muslims pray to and worship Mohammad (may God praise him)! No wonder I was afraid to tell them, fortunately God strengthened me soon afterwards.<\/p>\n

After that blessed day when I decided to trust almighty God, I was tense and restless all the time, because I knew it was a big step and feared what my parents would think.\u00a0 To admit the truth, I was also really impatient to take the big step after I decided I wanted to.\u00a0 Why wait? What happened if I died before I had a chance to revert? So I phoned the man at the shop and asked if I could have him and another as witnesses for me to take the Shahada.\u00a0 After two delays \u2013 sent from God to teach me patience! \u2013 I met him and his wife and their young son in a car at a local shopping centre in the evening three days later.\u00a0 The reason for this funny meeting place, was so I could get there myself without my parents (as I couldn\u2019t drive).\u00a0 I sat in their car and they explained some things to me and lent me some books before I pronounced the Shahada (the Testimony of Faith). At first I was getting so tongue-tied! Even today, when I think back to where I became a Muslim, I laugh at the thought that I became a Muslim in a parking lot! What a metaphor for my journey \u2013 I found a place to park at last! It was the 22nd<\/sup> February 2011; the 18th<\/sup> Rabi-ul-Awwal 1432.\u00a0 What a glorious day!!!<\/p>\n

Jihad and Joy<\/h2>\n

When I got home, it hadn\u2019t yet sunk in.\u00a0 The tests started as I came home \u2013 I almost got into trouble with my parents, as I took so long and the sun had set by then.\u00a0 I apologised profusely to them, trying to cover up my fears.\u00a0 But I would need to tell them soon \u2013 gradually.\u00a0 And so I did \u2013 that very night.<\/p>\n

I spoke to my mother first.\u00a0 But I didn\u2019t tell her outright that I was actually Muslim already; I just told her that I am in the process of learning about Islam, and that I kept it from her as I was scared what she would think.\u00a0 She acted exactly as she did when I became Catholic \u2013 she didn\u2019t approve, but said I am old enough to decide for myself \u2013 just that I must be \u201ccareful\u201d.\u00a0 At first, she said: \u201cNo, no, no, Stephanie, no, no\u2026.\u201d But then later after I said a few things about Islam to try and help her over the misconceptions, and that I would still be the same person and love her as her daughter, she was calmer.\u00a0 She could see I was serious about it.\u00a0 I felt so sorry for her; it was too much for her to take in at once, and my heart went out to her.\u00a0 My dad was also upset: \u201cYou can dress like them, but to take on an entirely different religion<\/em>\u2026!\u201d \u00a0It was hard, because I always saw him as open-minded.<\/p>\n

I went to mosque for the first time, six days after my reversion, and was welcomed warmly to the family of Islam by the Imam.\u00a0 Praying for the first time with others in union, being led by the imam, was an incredible<\/em> experience, even though I was nervous at first!<\/p>\n

I struggled at first, with doubts about my judgment in reverting to Islam.\u00a0 A week after my reversion when I started learning at madrassah<\/em>, I started to feel overwhelmed with all these new things to learn and this new change in my life, and old feelings of depression (which attacked me in each big change in my life) came back.\u00a0 How could I make it as a Muslim? Islam was so foreign to my background! And what about trying to explain to my parents how I cannot have ham or bacon or pork anymore? Why I have to wash the utensils before using them? Or why our dog is \u201cunclean\u201d and is not allowed in my room anymore? A new sense of isolation threatened to creep in.\u00a0 I worried about my spiritual life.\u00a0 How could I connect to God if I didn\u2019t quite yet understand the Arabic prayers? \u00a0The \u201cMuslim\u201d God seemed to be so distant and formless compared to the personal, familiar and picture-depicted \u201cChristian\u201d God, even though He was the same God.\u00a0 I was used to being surrounded by crucifixes and images of Jesus, Mary and the Catholic saints, whom I chatted to \u2013 and now my room had empty walls.\u00a0 It was scary.<\/p>\n

More trials with loved ones came \u2013 I received a phone call from my ex-godmother.\u00a0 Then I received emails from an old e-acquaintance from a Catholic internet group I used to belong to, and from my ex-priest, who said there was a certificate waiting for me at the church, saying I was a trained sacristan! The Superior of the convent I had been in also emailed to my mother, saying she prays I don\u2019t lose my Catholic faith! When I told the acquaintance that I reverted, she tried to re-prosyletise me by manner of saying that Jesus (may God praise him) was wounded on the cross and now I wounded him more.\u00a0 I was not surprised at these guilt-trips, as I had it from two others as well.\u00a0 But it still made me feel really negative! It took two days to muster the courage to email my priest, but he appreciated that courage, even though he said it is hard for him as a devout Catholic to understand why I reverted.\u00a0 Fortunately we parted amicably.\u00a0 My sister also found out from my mom that I had become a Muslim, and was stunned, but seemed to accept it when I emailed to explain.\u00a0 (It became obvious now that my mom knew I actually already left the Catholic Church, which made me feel relieved; I can now admit I am Muslim in front of her!) It was hard for my sister, too, but we are still in a good relationship, alhamdulillah.\u00a0 It was my decision when reverting, to not speak about religion yet to my family, but to just be a daughter\/sister\/aunt to them.\u00a0 This is definitely the same advice I would give to other reverts: be yourself!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

In the midst of these trials, I went to the mosque a second time and, after a week of having had practice, prayer came much easier and I wasn\u2019t nervous anymore.\u00a0 That evening, I felt so strengthened and said to God that I commit myself to Him as a Muslim; that I want to be faithful in this Path.\u00a0 Since then, I have felt new strength. I needed this strength, for I was about to go through a very grave trial which threatened to tear my heart in two.<\/p>\n

I had just watched a TV program about dhikrs<\/em> and felt such joy within.\u00a0 Then when I went to my mom\u2019s room, she told me that a woman, whom she didn\u2019t know, came up to her after church and told her that she had a dream about her \u2013 but it wasn\u2019t for her, it was for her younger daughter \u2013 me.\u00a0 This woman said that in the dream she was warned that I must stop what I am doing (that is, practicing Islam).\u00a0 Growing up Pentecostal (and being overprotected somewhat) I was terrified to do anything my mom did not approve of \u2013 or her church.\u00a0 (It was hard enough becoming Catholic; becoming Muslim was even more so!) This dream deeply disturbed me, because knowledge of it attacked my very depth where I am most vulnerable \u2013 my fear of Hell.<\/p>\n

I started to get angry at my mother, who wasn\u2019t to blame, but she said she had to tell me or she felt that God would hold her accountable.\u00a0 This made me even more scared: was Islam really bad for me? \u00a0How could it be; I was so happy and alive! I told this to my mom and she said just talk with God about it.\u00a0 So I went to my room, send text messages to two friends to make dua\u2019s<\/em> for me, and pleaded with God to help me.\u00a0 I said that if He wants me to go back to Christianity, I would be willing, but He must put that desire in me, or keep my desire to be Muslim if He wants me on this road.\u00a0 I submitted to Him completely (this in itself making me Muslim), sobbing, my heart torn in two at the idea of leaving Islam \u2013 and with resurging resentment towards the Pentecostals.\u00a0 I felt as if I was being emotionally manipulated by them.\u00a0 All my life it was an issue; hence I never felt secure to make choices unless others agreed with me.\u00a0 I felt all that they said was from God and it was hard to think that the devil could use them to attack me, but I really also felt this was the case now.\u00a0 I recited the Fatiha<\/em>, Shahada<\/em>, Ta\u2019awwud<\/em>h<\/em> and another du\u2019a<\/em> over and over and over again until I calmed down.<\/p>\n

The next day, still feeling miserable, I contacted a friend who fetched me and she took me to see the Imam at our Mosque.\u00a0 There was a learned sheikh who happened to be there too and they sat and listened to me as I related this trial, giving me advice.\u00a0 I was strengthened once more, and joy returned.\u00a0 This is what every revert needs \u2013 lots of support! If it wasn\u2019t for these wonderful brothers and sisters in Islam, I would have found it very hard to go on. More trials will inevitably come, but as I grow in Islam, my courage will be greater and this will indefinitely help me face these trials.<\/p>\n

It is amazing how much of my life I had taken for granted or not noticed.\u00a0 Simple little things like whether what I eat (or eat from) is halaal<\/em> or not, how I clean, groom, and purify myself, whether my clothes are clean when I pray, how I must constantly remember to step with my left foot into the lavatory and out with my right foot, and keep our dog out of my room\u2026etc, etc.\u00a0 What a different life Islam brings, and how beautifully attentive to every detail of living! \u00a0It is like being born again into a new life! \u00a0And although it is presently a lonely journey, I must give my mom and dad credit for letting me have my freedom.\u00a0 Although they were unwilling to take me to Islamic places, they let me go with my friends.\u00a0 May God bless them for that; I am truly fortunate!<\/p>\n

If there is one thing which I could ask Christians, it would be this: Why would there be another major religion and Scripture sent after Christianity, if the latter was the final revelation? \u00a0Also: Why would the Quran be sent and preserved from corruption if the Bible was the final word of God? \u00a0Finally: Why would God ask us to believe in something blindly and not use our reason? \u00a0If beliefs are reasonable, then people could not deny them.\u00a0 These are truly witnesses to the truth of Islam!<\/p>\n

I became Muslim because I felt Islam aligned with my heart and shows us the best way to live.\u00a0 It was truly my heart\u2019s choice.\u00a0 If I ever had to raise a family in this chaotic world, I wouldn\u2019t want to raise them any other way. In fact, if I couldn\u2019t raise them Muslim, I wouldn\u2019t want a family at all! \u00a0Islam has set me free to be myself and to belong.\u00a0 It set me free from an inordinate attachments to images which had plagued me for 15 years, and simplified my life.\u00a0 It gave me new friends, who rallied around me, lending me books, and giving me embraces and encouragement, more books, a Quran, kitchen utensils and even their spare underscarves and robes \u2013 one so smart I would keep it for Eid! \u00a0It removed my bitter hatred for Feminism, because it embraced and purified it, retaining the modesty and dignity, whilst letting women take her place at the side of men.\u00a0 It made me feel more loving, and less critical.\u00a0 It gave me a healthy and pure view of God.\u00a0 And although my journey is only now beginning, my life is finally aligned.<\/p>\n

My hijab and my identity match.\u00a0 No more mistaking me now.\u00a0 I am a Muslim.\u00a0 Alhamdulillah!!! (Praise be to God)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My name is Sadiqah Ismat (otherwise known as Stephanie by my family and other Christian loved ones) and I live in Cape Town, South Africa.\u00a0 My journey home has been an extremely complex one,...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[36,275],"class_list":["post-793","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-new-muslim","tag-convertd","tag-new-muslim"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/investigate-islam.com\/web\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/793","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/investigate-islam.com\/web\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/investigate-islam.com\/web\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/investigate-islam.com\/web\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/investigate-islam.com\/web\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=793"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/investigate-islam.com\/web\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/793\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":794,"href":"https:\/\/investigate-islam.com\/web\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/793\/revisions\/794"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/investigate-islam.com\/web\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=793"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/investigate-islam.com\/web\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=793"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/investigate-islam.com\/web\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=793"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}